


Give Me Your Hand

by Tiger_Mayfield



Series: Jared Shall Restore Amends [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Evan and Jared make up, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I haven't decided yet, I will tease, Jared is hella gay, M/M, Slow Burn, and maybe make out a bit too, evan is bi, haven't decided that yet either, idk how to tag sorry, jared centric, or it's gonna be very very long, or maybe not, prepare to be not quite satisfied or very satisfied, starts slow I think but it gets good I promise, these tags might end up being for the series not just for this specific book idk, this probably isn't gonna be very long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 11:00:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13456821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tiger_Mayfield/pseuds/Tiger_Mayfield
Summary: Senior year, all his hard work, all his walls he’d built up, they all came crashing down around him. Slowly, hit by hit, they all came down, bit by bit. By the end of it, he was tired of hiding from Evan. He was ready to be bluntly, brutally honest, because no matter what shit Evan put him through, he couldn’t distance himself enough without just dying. Nothing he did worked anymore, not even remotely. He couldn’t lie to himself anymore.(DEH from Jared's point of view, and what happens afterwards.)





	Give Me Your Hand

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first DEH fic?? I love Kleinsen and will die for my ship?? I hope this is actually good

Distance alleviates pain. That’s one thing Jared’s dad always made sure to remind him of. “If you ever get close to someone, and they start hurting you real bad, distance yourself from them. Even if they don’t realize they’re hurting you. It’s more important that you feel okay. They’ll never have to know anything was ever wrong if you make sure you aren’t close to them.”

Jared knew Evan had no idea he was hurting him. He never would. It wasn’t Evan’s fault that Jared’s own emotions towards him began to change. “What they do and say can’t hurt you, Jared, if you’re not close to them.”

Evan wasn’t the only one hurting Jared unintentionally. Jared chose to like Evan -- that he could admit to himself. Evan was just so… likable! He wasn’t a total dick, unlike everyone else. But because Jared loved him, he was hurting himself in doing so.

Come sophomore year, when these feelings dawned on Jared as what they were, he not only distanced himself from Evan but from himself. Not only did he get less touchy and sappy and caring with Evan, but he lost touch with the real Jared, the one who wasn’t a total dick, like everyone else. He didn’t know how else to distance himself.

Nothing he did worked. He was stuck with these stupid gay feelings he couldn’t seem to rid himself of. He lied countless times about all the girls he got around with, just to keep up his front of heterosexuality. He wouldn’t even have to if it wasn’t stupid Evan he was madly in love with.

Senior year, all his hard work, all his walls he’d built up, they all came crashing down around him. Slowly, hit by hit, they all came down, bit by bit. By the end of it, he was tired of hiding from Evan. He was ready to be bluntly, brutally honest because no matter what shit Evan put him through, he couldn’t distance himself enough without just dying. Nothing he did worked anymore, not even remotely. He couldn’t lie to himself anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It started getting bad when he offered to write the emails. The fake emails, between Evan Hansen, and a now dead classmate, Connor Murphy. Jared figured it wouldn’t be so bad, just half-ass a few emails between the two. But suddenly, Jared began to feel very insignificant in Evan’s eyes. He’d never felt like that before.

With every correction, every time Evan insisted they “go back” and rewrite a line, the feeling swelling in Jared’s chest only grew. He put far more effort into this fabricated friendship with Connor than he ever seemed to put in with Jared. Eventually, Evan sat in the chair, Jared’s computer in his lap, typing all the emails up himself.

“You could’ve Googled how to backdate emails, saved yourself twenty bucks…” Jared would never verbalize this, but he thought it plenty. It was weird. Connor was dead, never friends with Evan, yet Jared felt like a third wheel to the two of them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow, it only got worse from there. Evan’s lies snowballed into something bigger. After some huge epiphany, Jared and Alana were suddenly placed in a group chat by Evan.

Acorn:  
Guys, meet me in the parking lot after school tomorrow, I have something huge planned.

From there, everything spiraled. The Connor Project began. Alana automatically took the position of “co-president”, which left Jared as their treasurer. It seemed they really didn’t give Jared much of a chance to speak. When presenting it to the Murphys, Alana (unsurprisingly) interrupted Jared as he spoke.

Evan stood up on a stage and dropped his notecards. The speech he had prepared, that he was stuttering out like a mess, all dropped to the floor, scattered across the wooden stage. Jared’s jaw dropped, before growing into a small, proud smile. Evan managed to improvise an entire, inspiring speech, all from his heart. That was a huge step forward from his anxiety.

However, Jared felt a guilty pang at the words “You will be found”. Because in fact, he wasn’t sure Evan believed what he was saying. Truth was, he had fallen, he was… his arm was broken, on the ground, and he wasn’t found. Yet, here he was, giving an entire speech in front of the whole school about how you’re never alone.

Of course, Jared supported him through all of this. He backed Evan up, kept writing emails for him, worked on the website, helped Alana review videos when she’d let him. Overall, the Connor Project was an amazing thing to be a part of. Things were beginning to look up because finally, he had that time back with Evan he’d been losing recently. He’d been losing it to the Murphys, and yet the one that was gone was pulling the two closer together.

That sinking feeling still sat idly in Jared’s chest. It would always remain there because that was right -- It was because of Connor he got to see Evan so often. Because he put so much effort into Connor, into the Murphys. It was a bittersweet victory on his part. Not to mention this entire thing really was inspiring a nation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attention Jared got didn’t last long. After all, Evan was doing all of this to help the Murphys out. So he spent more time with them, with the girl he “accidentally” kissed, who kissed him after he’d given that speech on stage. His new girlfriend and longtime crush, Zoe Murphy.

Jared wanted that attention back. He craved it. So he wrote emails to get Evan’s attention. Of course, a lot of it was jokes, but he included himself as a subtle way of reaching out to Evan, saying how he wanted to feel included again. That sinking feeling in his chest had been sinking even more now, and he knew he could get Evan back like this. At least, the Evan he knew for ten years.

“You can’t just make things up,” Evan had told him, “You have to redo it.” It was laughable, that he just said that.

“Oh, you’re totally right, I mean -- What was I thinking, just making things up? In a fabricated email exchange that never happened.” Jared rolled his eyes as he looked towards the webcam on his laptop.

Evan explained how he “couldn’t change the story”, and how this wouldn’t be right. Bullshit. Jared called bullshit on that. “I was his only friend, you know that.” Evan continued on. Now Jared was feeling even more bitter than before.

“Well if you want more emails…” A smirk grew on his face, as he rambled on, explaining that he had booked his weekend with plans with his camp friends, “-- or as I like to call them -- my real friends,” Jared added on, for effect. Right now, could Evan even be considered his real friend? Then again, he didn’t have camp friends. The people from his camp couldn’t care less about Jared, really. But anything to keep up his walls.

What Evan said next almost made Jared stumble backward. “That’s alright, we’re actually good on emails right now, we’re focusing on bigger things.” Evan wasn’t even looking at the camera. He was distracted, doing other things, presumably on the website. “The orchard, things like that?”

Jared offered to do more for the kickstarter, explaining how he could help. He kept up his steady grin, as per usual, even though if he looked devastated, Evan wouldn’t even notice. His face read differently than how he felt, almost entirely opposite.

“If there was one thing about Connor -- the guy loved trees.” Jared pointed out sarcastically. “Oh, wait… You love trees. That’s weird. Isn’t that weird?” His defenses were only rising. Evan had essentially just told him he wasn’t needed right now and cast him aside. Sure, he’d been a dick about Zoe, and about everything, but he had never gone out of his way like that, he had never tried to entirely ditch Evan, tell him he wasn’t needed. Had he ever told Evan he needed him? No. But he never said he didn’t. “Guess I shouldn’t tell anyone about that, either. Don’tcha think?” He shrugged nonchalantly.

He was suddenly hung up on when he heard Heidi enter the room and begin to speak. Figured.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soon enough, Jared’s parents were out of town, on a trip somewhere. He knew his plan was to get wasted that night, it was just up to Evan whether he would be wasted alone, or with someone else. His invitation was, of course, met with another rejection. After all, he had $17,000 to raise, all for the sake of -- surprise, surprise -- the Murphys.

Apparently, Evan had suffered some short-term memory loss, because Jared could’ve sworn that just two weeks prior, Evan had told him that he would let him know when he was needed again if he could think of anything Jared could do for the project. But now he stood here, insisting he hadn’t told Jared to sit back and do nothing and had the audacity to say Jared thought all this was a joke.

This was anything but a joke to Jared. In fact, in the past month, he had been feeling more alone and forgotten than he’d ever felt in his life. Funny, how he was a “treasurer” for a project dedicated to making sure nobody ever felt that way.

Jared thought Evan needed some blunt honesty in his life right now.

“Connor being dead, that’s… pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to you, isn’t it?” He shrugged, keeping his thumbs tucked beneath his backpack straps casually.

Evan, of course, acted as if this accusation was so awful a suggestion, so inaccurate. Yes, it was a horrible thing to say, but for weeks, that had been the elephant in the room for Jared. Someone had to say it already.

“You’re almost popular, which is just… wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles!” Jared laughed it off, but there was a jealous twinge in his voice that could only be heard if one was searching for it, and he knew it. It was a bitter jealousy, easily written off as plain anger.

Of course, all Evan wanted was, “- to help the Murphys.” They spoke in unison, and Jared was the first to speak after that. “Yeah, I know. You keep saying that.”

And wow, as if on cue, Zoe Murphy walked over, said hi to them both, and kissed Evan. Jared just couldn’t be in that environment right now. He nodded, looking at the two, before gesturing loosely to Evan. “Look at you… helping the Murphys.” Then he walked off.

All Zoe Murphy had done wrong was listening to Evan’s stupid lies about her brother, about the amazing friendship they had. What Evan was doing was just cruel. No matter what he told himself, convinced himself when it came down to it in the end, all the lies had become were for his own, selfish reasons. Jared knew it.

He finally had Zoe in his back pocket, no more Jared to deal with, a couple of rich, asshole parents who treated him creepily like their own kid, and popularity. Evan Hansen, living the dream. Who would’ve thought?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We need more emails, okay, we need emails showing that he was getting worse!” Evan insisted. Jared wasn’t having it, no. He laughed. It wasn’t his usual, loud, obnoxious laugh. It was a hollow chuckle, accompanied by a small smirk. “This isn’t funny!”

 

“Oh, I think it’s hilarious. I think everyone would… probably think it’s hilarious.” Jared nodded. When Evan asked what that was supposed to mean, Jared’s defenses went up again. “It means you should remember who your friends are!” A bit too defensive, Jared, he warned himself. You’re gonna show your real feelings if you keep this up.

Maybe that was what Evan needed.

“I thought the only reason you talked to me was because of your car insurance.” Evan defended. Jared felt a pang of guilt at that. The entire time, that had just been a dry joke, another way he distanced himself. Dry humor. Evan had apparently taken it way too seriously, now using it against him.

All Jared could muster up in that moment was an undignified, “So??”

“So,” Evan said this almost mockingly, “Maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don’t have any other friends!”

This was where those ever so high walls began to crumble down. That blow had hit way too close to home for Jared to be able to handle right now. It was a cannonball, right to the heart, and it made his chest feel tight. He could feel the itching in his eyes, the heat, as he held back the tears that threatened to fall. “I could tell everyone everything!” Jared spat out the empty threat. He knew he couldn’t. He felt his voice waver as he spoke.

“Oh yeah, you go ahead and do that! You tell everyone how you helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself!” Evan yelled in his face, and that’s when the dam broke.

The hot tears began to pour down his face, and he brought his arm up over his eyes, hopefully guarding the tears from Evan’s sight. “Fuck you, Evan! Asshole!” He ran off like that and broke down as soon as he rounded the corner, and Evan couldn’t see him anymore. He wanted to punch something, kick, scream, cry, anything. He would take anything.

The worst part was, Jared knew he had this coming to him. The advice his dad had given him had ultimately backfired, and staying a million worlds apart from Evan had torn him to shreds. Here he was, curled up in a ball on the ground, sobbing. The Evan he had known all his life was gone and now replaced by this newer Evan, one that burned down every wall Jared had built against him. He just burned too deep, and Jared was beginning to fall apart with them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The letter that had started it all was now online. “Dear Evan Hansen…” A drunk Jared began to read aloud to himself on his couch, pausing Parks and Rec. “Turns out today wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t gonna be an amazing week, or an amazing year, because… why would it be?” He paused from his reading.

“Well, shit. You’ve got me there, Hansen. I thought I was gonna get the courage to ask you to prom this year. I thought it would be good.” He took another gulp of vodka, right from the bottle.

“Oh, I know, because all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me.” Jared shrugged. He expected that of Evan, he knew he had some creepy shit in there about her. “Maybe if I could tell to her, maybe…. Nothing would be different. I wish everything was different.” Well, there was something he and Jared had in common.

Another gulp, down the hatch.

“I wish I were a part of something… You are now buddy.” Jared responded. “I wish anything I said mattered to anyone…. Now the whole fucking country is looking at what you’re saying…” he chuckled dryly. He was getting what he wanted this year. A gut-wrenching feeling slowly made its way into Jared’s stomach as he read the last part, and it fully dawned on him that this document had been mistaken for a suicide note.

“I mean, face it, would anyone notice if I just… disappeared tomorrow?” Jared whispered out brokenly. This was really how Evan felt at the time. Jared never did shit about it. He let this happen, and it started because he was too busy feeling sorry for himself. He would’ve been beyond hurt if he found out Evan died. What he was doing now hurt, but if he was dead? Jared would never forgive himself.

Only two short days before the haunting letter was removed from the internet. Rumour had it, the Murphys were getting a lot of hate from it, some even say a few showed up at their door and yelled at them. One even punched Larry in the nose, though Jared couldn’t confirm any of this. There were some huge gossips at the school, some of whom weren’t exactly the reliable type. Jared wasn’t surprised. In another attempt to “help the Murphys”, Evan had only fucked them over further.

Sleep was coming almost impressively easily to Jared, and a lot more often than usual. His headphones were basically fixed to his person at this point, he never went anywhere without them either on his head or around his neck. He was a Sufjan Stevens kinda guy, generally. He’d occasionally listen to Dawes, and some Eddie Vedder when he was in the mood. Dawes seemed to match his moods the best, as of late.

Soon enough, Jared found himself going mute. He saw no reason to speak, he’d learned his lessons about opening his mouth. Whenever he did, he ruined something. He’d done it to Connor, he’d done it to Evan. He didn’t wanna do it again. So he only spoke to his parents on occasion and his teachers. Otherwise, his lips were sealed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was graduation, and Jared was ready to leave already. He had gotten accepted to NYIT, with a partial scholarship, and he couldn’t be more excited to get up to New York already. He was almost numb to everything Evan-related, he’d forced himself to be. After all, being an adult meant having things under control. These emotions were something he knew he needed to have controlled.

Jared walked into the auditorium. This was it. His last day as a senior in high school, and one of his last days with his parents. He planned on moving into his own, small apartment for a bit before college started, just to get himself used to living without that crutch in his life anymore.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when someone bumped into him. Oh no. He looked up at the boy he’d bumped into. “Shit, dude, so-” He cut himself off upon noticing it was Evan. “Hansen. Funny bumping into you here.”

“Sorry, Jared! I um, I didn’t mean to bump into you, I swear.” Evan was about to walk away, but something possessed Jared to place a hand on his chest first, pushing him gently back in front of him.

“I think we need to talk,” Jared confessed, finally swallowing his pride. Seeing Evan in front of him again, how anxious he was, how he actually still stuttered over his words… It made Jared remember who he’d really fallen in love with. Maybe it was cliche, but he didn’t want to be that guy, who left it at a falling out that he partially caused, and never made amends. Somewhere deep inside him, he knew he would never be able to fully move on from this until he talked to Evan.

“O-oh.” Evan nodded, and Jared watched as his Adam's apple bobbed in his throat. “So, I guess we should um…” He looked around, fidgeting nervously.

“Apologise to each other? Be good friends, make up, text each other with small talk throughout college, and maybe happen to move into the same, small town when you settle down with your girlfriend or whatever?” Jared offered, trying not to let his bitterness show on the word “girlfriend”. He would be a good person. High school Jared wasn’t who he wanted to be anymore. High school Jared got him screwed over. Being an adult not only meant having yourself under control but also being mature.

Evan nodded gently. He paused, and Jared could tell he was trying to get the words out without stuttering, he always made that contemplative look when he was. “I’m sorry.” He said after a moment, looking Jared in the eyes and taking him by surprise. “You… I’ve had a lot of time to um, to think? And- and I-I think I really made a bad mistake? I just, I should’ve listened to you, I sho-shouldn’t have lied, I le-let it get to my head, I guess? Um, I just, um…” He shook his head quickly, looking back down as he played with the hem of his shirt.

“You… wanted to be a part of something? And now that something you said finally mattered, you realized the whole world would notice if you disappeared, and you wanted to keep it that way.” Jared finished for him, uncharacteristically quiet. “So you kept saying everything that mattered, because… you never wanted to disappear.” Evan suddenly looked up at Jared at the end of his statement. So he’d managed to be more interesting than the floor, that was good. Progress.

“You… You read it…”

“Everyone read it, Ev. I was drunk, the night it got posted.” Jared admitted. It was time to be more honest. “I owe you an apology, too. I’ve lied to you for the past few years, and I’ve honestly been an asshole. I know my sense of humor has always been kinda dickish, but… I think I took a few jokes a little too far.” He sighed. “First of all, my parents have never paid for my car insurance.”

Jared hated the way Evan looked when he said that. The way his eyebrows furrowed together, curving upwards and making the middle scrunch up. “Second of all, I figured the whole ‘family friends’ thing was just a mutually agreed on joke.”

“Was… was I right…?” Evan’s voice was soft, quiet, and vulnerable. “When I yelled at you, was um, was I um… Do y- Did you really have no friends?” Jared could see the concern in Evan’s eyes, and while he appreciated it, he couldn’t help but hate it, as well. He didn’t want Evan to worry about him.

“Nope. Still don’t.” Jared confirmed, and he saw Evan’s face fall further. “It hit kinda close to home, with that one. But I don’t blame you though, I deserved that. I was an asshole to you, really. I was surprised you hadn’t snapped sooner. You don’t deserve an asshole like me in your life, so you pushed me out of it. And I guess I just… had to accept that. It was my fault because I decided I had to lie.” He shrugged. Evan’s face had twisted into one of the most heartbreaking frowns Jared had ever seen. His stomach churned at the sight of it.

“No, no, it-it wasn’t like that at-at all! No! I was wrong, I-I should’ve seen that I wa-was hurting you! I felt s-so bad when I saw you uh, you uh, running off like that af-after I yelled at yo-you! I co-couldn’t bring myself to-to talk to you a-after that…” Evan said as he looked down at his feet again.

“Well, I guess our lies fucked us both over then, huh?” Jared shrugged simply, with an exasperated sigh. “I lost you, my best friend, and I haven’t seen Zoe or any of the Murphys talk to you in weeks.” His arms were folded over his chest.

“Yeah, I um… I ki-kinda uh, I told them the uh… I told them the truth.” Evan nodded, scratching his arm awkwardly as he looked away. “That- That I was never really friends wi-with Connor, that I, I never talked to him be-before that day, that I-”

Jared decided rather mercifully cut him off. “You did the right thing in telling them the truth, Ev. Lying to them… it wasn’t healthy for any of you. But now the Murphys can grieve over their real son, the one they knew, and you can stop worrying about lies. You’re free now, you’re off to college, right? You don’t have to talk to anyone you actually don’t wanna talk to. You could ditch me after this conversation if you wanted to. I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I don’t wanna be the guy who leaves you hanging at the end of high school, you know? Going forward, I wanna be a more honest guy. I wanna ditch the asshole I was in high school.”

Evan nodded slowly, as if he was processing all of what Jared had just said. “I respect that.” He spoke up, after a moment of silence. The confidence in his voice almost scared Jared, it was so unlike Evan.

They stood in silence for a few minutes, until it was time for them to head to the line. Since they were organized away from each other, they couldn’t talk anymore. Jared was content with the conversation the two had.

College would be better. He would be better. He was sure of it.

**Author's Note:**

> I would love some feedback?? This is the first work in a series I'm making, soooo yea. Feedback, constructive criticism, whatever, please and thank you!


End file.
